I‘ve been thinking about what to do with this blog lately.
I intended to share pieces of myself to maybe help others who were feeling and struggling with the same things I was… but sometimes I feel overwhelmingly that my writing brings out the worst in people. I don’t like feeling that way, and that’s all I can say about it.
I’ve been in quite a bit of pain since yesterday morning. I’m not sure what I did, but there’s just sharp pain, a pinch, that starts between my shoulder blades and goes straight up through my neck. I didn’t get any sleep last night. Every position hurt. I can barely sit up, and the only position that’s bearable is sitting in a chair. I’ve been so dizzy and disoriented. I really hope this just goes away—I’m not feeling myself.
In a month and a half, I’ll be packing up to fly over to the Philippines. I feel like I’ve been waiting for this since I was a kid. I’m not sure what to expect, but I hope it revitalizes me. I need to experience something other than this day-to-day, mundane life that I live. I want to feel connected. That’s a good sign, right?
Next weekend is the high school 10-year reunion. I’m not going. I feel really negative and critical of myself right now. And I know that if I were to attend, I would burst into tears and be even harder on myself. People keep telling me that my time will come, but that’s a lie. My own hesitation and uncertainty is what holds me back, and I need serious help overcoming myself.
Next month, my goal is to find an apartment close to work and put a deposit down. Then, when I return from overseas, I’ll enlist some assistance and move. It’s been helpful living with my dad to get back on my feet again after Kansas City, but it’s just not good for my confidence. It’s destructive, and it’s become very apparent to me that I need to space myself from family again. It’ll be a financial strain living alone and having a full set of bills, but I think it’ll be worth it for peace of mind. Taylor is going to help me pick out fabric and a color scheme so I can recover my couch and dining chairs. I’m excited about that. I’ll get to pick out new curtains and rugs, and I plan on painting some pieces to hang up.
Little, bright things like this will help me gain some sense of strength and independence again. Just little things. I miss stocking my kitchen cabinets and fridge with the food I want to cook and eat. That’s another thing, I’ll start cooking again. I bought a bicycle yesterday, so I’ve been incredibly excited about that. I tried running last Monday… it didn’t turn out so well after 3.5 months of not keeping up with it. I’m back to the beginning again. I’m going biking with Taylor tomorrow morning for a couple hours—I really hope my neck gets better tonight. I feel closer to 82 than I do 28 at this point.
What else… Basically I just work and spend time by myself when I’m not at work. This goes back to the whole seeing myself lowly thing. I had such great plans for this year, and it’s already gone. Hopefully with beginning 2014 in my own apartment, cooking for myself again, biking lots, and continuing trying to better myself, it’ll be a better year. It has to be.