Libations & Liberation

I probably should have been passed out from the wine by now, and I definitely could use some sleep, but I felt compelled to share my experiences and thoughts about this past weekend.

But before I get into that, I thought I’d provide an update on the job front. The director emailed me back Thursday afternoon with the expected niceties, and went on to vaguely state that someone from her team would be in touch with me ‘shortly’ regarding any next steps. Basically, they had contacted me Tuesday morning and had set up a third round interview of sorts.  At the time, I felt it went wonderfully.  I believe I referred to it as a home run when I texted a friend how it went.  But now it’s been a couple of days, and the other end is silent, and I always get worried. It sucks wanting something so badly. I think the most terrible feeling at this point would be to come so far… to have prepared so much and had so many sleepless nights… and then to not come out triumphant. I take failures really critically. I also got another rejection email from the fourth Project Manager position I applied to—it makes me realize how lucky I got in even landing an interview. I am now in Week 7 for this application/interview process. Tomorrow I’ll get to head over to the Sams HO to job shadow a PM there—should be fun, and I’m looking forward to it.

Apart from being completely broke and tired and miserable with impatience and anxiety, I had a really fun and unexpected weekend. Andrea gave me her Walton Arts Center tickets to see this show called Leo. I can’t even describe what all I saw—it was amazing. Just over an hour of a one-man, acrobatics show of sorts. The performer is from Germany, and it’s mind-blowing to think about the level of strength and endurance he had to pull everything off. The show was full of vibrant lights and music and he spent the entirety of the show “trapped” in a box, which had a perpendicular reflection on the other half of the stage. You would just have to see it to understand. But I learned something valuable Friday night.  Leo taught me that all of us live out our lives feeling like we’re trapped in a box trying to escape time. And in this box, we each have our own suitcase of possibilities that can be unlocked with imagination and hard work. The sad thing is, we open this suitcase and find ways of creating more things for ourselves within the box, but we’re still unhappy and lonely. All of the things that we create don’t liberate us from being inside the box. Instead, those things end up drowning us… we get sucked into them, and we continue feeling overwhelmed and helpless until we take a stand and get rid of all of those things. It’s not until we tap into our imagination and find a means of escaping that box that we can truly be free and happy. This was a good show for me to see, and it was an important prelude to Sunday. But before Sunday, there’s Saturday.

Saturday ended up being a ladies night at Grub’s. We had been under the impression that one of our other friends from high school (who lives out of town) would be joining us for dinner and drinks, but she bailed. So, we made the best of it. Drinks and dessert, and really inappropriate table humor—it was perfect. Since it’s always at least a couple of months when we all get together, it never fails that someone asks me if I’m still single. Unfortunately, my answer is always a resounding and hollow, “yes.”  We joked that maybe I had psychological problems, which this could certainly be the case, but now I find myself struggling to figure out why it is that I ‘choose’ to be alone. I don’t enjoy it, but it seems like the safest option for me at this point in my life. They joked that there were a lot of men who had Asian girl fetishes… I joked that I didn’t want to be someone’s fetish. As funny as the entire context was, it was true. I don’t want to be some guy’s fling or fantasy of the month. I want to be loved by a man. Truly loved. I want someone to hold me and support and encourage me, and I want to be able to hold and encourage him right back. It scares me not knowing when I’ll ever get to tell a guy, “I love you” again. What if I died tomorrow? What was it all for?

But Sunday gave birth to new possibilities and enlightenment for myself. I went with Andrea down to Little Rock to see Joshua and Ryan of The Minimalists. She had already met them a few years ago, and now I got the pleasure of meeting their acquaintance. It was so refreshing to be around two guys that were our age and had done the whole corporate ladder path to the maximum by the time they were in their late 20’s. To come so far and to realize it was a shallow dream, a mirage, and to be able to walk away from it all speaks volumes. They found peace and happiness in Minimalism. When I sit and think about my interests and habits since childhood, I realize I’m a Minimalist, too. I don’t like owning a bunch of stuff—it overwhelms me and I feel like I can’t think straight. My apartment, my car—they’re like giant neon billboards pointing out the obvious. My natural inclination for space and order and not having clutter or excessive stuff is underlined by the concept of Minimalism. Does that mean I don’t want nice things? Certainly not. I will still hold down and hopefully enjoy my full-time corporate job. I will continue saving as much money as I can, and knowing myself, I’ll still splurge a little on higher end items that I like—technology, staples for my wardrobe, chemical-free beauty products, food. I want to get down to owning just a few things—a few quality things. My aim this week is to go through my closet again. I already got rid of half of my closet items prior to moving into this apartment, and that felt great. I can’t wait to see what else I can let go of. I just want to continue erasing baggage from my life—both physical and mental. I want to create more space in my life in order to have the luxury of focusing on those things—those people—who I truly care about.

This perspective feels so liberating! The past weekend really made me feel like I was finally aligning my thoughts, actions, and beliefs. It reminds me of one of my favorite quotes.

Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.
— Gandhi

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