It’s been exactly two months since posting an actual update on my life.
Two months ago I had exclaimed what a phenomenal summer it would be. Like a jinx, I was biting my tongue soon after. June has further soured my outlook on people, and that’s all I will say about that. Summer is over.
Work has become my full occupation. All I do is work, and all I look forward to on the weekends is work. It’s an escape from the emptiness and loneliness I feel. It keeps me here.
Over the past several weeks, I’ve stood in front of hundreds of people—I still prefer not being under the limelight, but as far as public speaking goes, I don’t care anymore—I have more of a “let’s get this over with” feeling rather than having overwhelming nerves and anticipation. I helped co-facilitate my first Speak With Impact and Motivation class on Thursday. It was interesting to see how nervous everyone was and to critique and encourage them, but I somehow feel displaced being on the other side of the table. I’m insanely busy at work, and I’m not sure if I’ll be able to keep co-facilitating with everything that’s on my plate. My heart’s just not in it anymore. That happens a lot.
Tickets, emails, phone calls, training sessions, meetings… Disappearing and reappearing here and there—That’s the normalcy of now. Very easily, the majority of my waking hours is spent working, and nearly all of my sleeping hours is spent trying to sleep. Sadness… loneliness is like this disease that keeps spreading throughout your body. It first takes over your heart, and then it infects the mind and just eats away at everything else over time. I’ve started taking some sleeping aids before bed, and it seems to be helping me fall asleep. My face/mouth feel tingly and numb, but at least I sleep more than three hours. I end up a bit drowsy all day at work, but feeling like a zombie is somewhat familiar anyway.
Family is family—the great disappointment. My relationship with the lot of them is hanging by a thread. I think about just taking off constantly.
Right now, I’m waiting on my sister to come by and pick up her dog and some of her stuff. She’s engaged, and will be moving back to Conway this weekend. No use expanding on that. It was nice having my little nephew around these past few months. Until this year, I hadn’t seen him since he was two years old. Hopefully he won’t be seven or eight the next time. He’s starting Kindergarten. I’ll miss him very much.
What else is there to say? I’ve met some inspiring people recently, so that’s good. I’ve lost my appetite. Working on the whole sleeping issue… I’m continuing to shut most people out. Doing a lot of writing and reflecting.
I feel like I’m reaching some sort of tipping point, and only time will tell what exactly that tipping point is.