Sandra Gibbons

Sandra Gibbons

lives in beautiful Northwest Arkansas. She writes about parenthood, lessons learned, and creating moments of happiness.

Tuesday Night Thoughts In Frigidity

This could be the influence of the wine, but very often I feel so spun out on the inside that I can’t find anything to focus on.

When I was a little girl, I remember wanting to be a singer… an actress… a model. A doctor. Teacher. A Triple Crown thoroughbred champion. An artist. A mom—I wanted to be everything. I was always told that I could be anything I wanted, but I never had any solid direction. I’m not blaming anyone else for my own indecisiveness. I knew I was capable of becoming anything I imagined, but everything I imagined came in whims—vivid flashes that vanished when the fear of actually succeeding came to light. I guess that makes me a coward.

I still struggle with it all.

I see so many outcomes. So many possibilities. And it’s crippling. Everything whips around so fast in this skull of mine, that my feet are resigned to staying firmly planted. So I write. I document everything—every thought and every feeling. Painting, poetry… notes in a journal… This. I just document. What for… I have no idea. I just feel like it’s important for now. I still very much hope that this somehow helps someone… in some way.

My thoughts are so loud and rapid, that I can’t even just have a conversation sometimes. Maybe that’s why I’m a bit awkward and quiet in social situations of any kind. I really hate it most times. Having to try so hard. Trying and not being. To have tried is to have failed. It just sucks failing so much.

I feel dismal for long periods of time, and then I gain the company of someone who’s so hopeful and inspiring, that it makes me let go of the negativity for a moment. To listen to a person’s drive pouring out of his voice, and to see a blaze behind his eyes is invigorating.

It reminds me that the purpose is the journey. We all have the same destination. I just need to find my purpose.

Libations & Liberation