Taylor brought over a treasure tonight—an old journal of mine from 1997. Back then, I was all about board games, Donkey Kong, the beach, and my American Girl books and ponies. Boys baffled me—as they still do. And I think, perhaps, I just baffled myself.
Seeing a record of an earlier version of yourself is always a very humbling experience. Since that earlier version, you believe you’ve grown up so much and that you have a greater understanding and appreciation of life. It’s only after reading the thoughts of your earlier self that you realize nothing ever really changed. I’m the same person. I’m still an introvert to my core. I’m still in a constant state of instability in which the people in my life are ever-changing and fleeting. I still look to others for validation of myself, and I still want to find ways of making others happy. I want to be a good person, and to have at least one true friend who’s with me throughout my life. My circle of friends changes with my setting, and there’s something empty and unfulfilling about that. To me, anyway. I’ve desired normalcy and familiarity all my life, and I constantly find myself adapting to whoever is around. But at least I’m aware of that. Slowly but surely, I’m conditioning myself to not care anymore and to always just be myself. That’s where spirituality comes in. Finding that balance in all aspects of my life. Finding inner peace.
My journey is coming along at a slow, steady pace. I’m still focused on my general health—diet, cardio fitness, and spirituality. I ran yesterday and felt absolutely terrible. We had a team-building day at work, so my team was out driving around Bentonville from 1130a-330p. I ate as much as I would have on Thanksgiving Day and had myself a giant, double-scoop ice cream cone. The run about killed me..! It’s now pushing 11pm, and I have to get up early tomorrow for the Ozark Race for the Cure. It will be a good morning spent with family and friends indeed. Then hopefully I can come home and knock out for a few hours. I’m always tired… constantly without energy. I seriously need to rest this weekend.
I just want to be really fucking happy. That’s it. Really fucking happy, and to each day bring a bit of happiness to at least one other person. It’s doable. I could definitely be prolific in that sense.